Thursday, December 13, 2012

losing weight and writing

I'm trying to lose weight.

No, not that kind. In fact, it's hard to keep weight on with a low(er)-fat, whole foods, cut-back-on-the-sugars vegan diet.

The weight I'm trying to shed is the weight of stuff. As Jesus fills me with more of Himself, it just doesn't leave much room for the things the world tells us is important. And I'm desperately trying to shed pounds. I've shed many in the past few months, but I have so much more to go.

There's part of me that struggles to believe that making do with less really does lead to the life abundant, but a tiny shred of faith hangs on, urging me to press in and press on and give away meaningfully. I think this would be much easier to do in a culture where most people have four questionable walls and a sketchy roof and rags for clothes and garbage for food. After all, having trendy knickknacks and well appointed furniture just doesn't enter the picture when you're trying to survive.

But in this culture? Now that's tough. Would I feel the same about inviting people into our home if we went smaller, or didn't have enough chairs to go around or lived somewhere less beautiful?

If we downsize, will the number of moments where I feel the walls pressing in on me outweigh the moments of joy of small, intimate, light-weight living?

I don't know.

All I know right now is the desire to lose the weight.

I want it in my schedule too. Which is why I'm struggling to post and write online. I love writing and sharing but it takes so much time. Even "quick" posts aren't really that quick at all.

So I'm trying a new thing and asking God to order my steps and shape my days. Yes, I've done that in the past before, but there was always a part of me that had some goal in mind, a purpose to live out, an agenda to fulfill. Basically, I was trying to relinquish control without really relinquishing it.

Which doesn't work at all.

So I'm prayerfully asking God what He would have me do with the desire to write. Will it mean a new direction, a different one, or will this be a time to lay it all down? Thankfully, He knows the plans and the answers and in that I can rest.

Thank you Lord, that I am not in control.