Friday, November 23, 2012

when you don't feel like saying it

Wednesday morning found me stuck in resentment. I knew in my head I should take the time right that very second to say "thank you" to God - and it really would have felt like a sacrifice of praise.

But I wanted to feel the "thank you" in my heart. Otherwise, I figured the words would ring hollow.

And the resentment I felt toward my children and having to endlessly referee arguments and remind them of manners and repeat and repeat and repeat my instructions and stop what I really wanted to do because they need built up, ugly and bubbling instead of the gratitude which should have overflowed.

And here's where the clock says my 5 minutes are up. But I'm not stopping here, because I need to write this out, for me, and perhaps for others who find it hard to give that sacrifice of a "thank you." If you like, join me in the rest of this post...

The fact that Thanksgiving was the very next day needled me all the more. I felt like a hypocrite, because the very things which pulled me away from our children and caused my resentment of them and their needs, were the things I was preparing for our day of thanks.

I could choose to not write about this, the ugly side of mothering. But then all that are left are pretty pictures and people who look at you, thinking you have it all together, when really you just try to stuff the ugly away and pray it will stay locked in the closet so you can move on in an unhindered walk with Christ.

But God is gracious even in these dark and ugly places.

He knew that I knew I needed to say "thank you" even if I didn't feel like it. He knew that I didn't want to say what I didn't feel.

So somewhere between the arriving with unresolved feelings of resentment at a friend's house, and leaving there, He removed the resentment. Getting back into the car, I realized I just plain didn't feel resentful anymore. And that's when the "thank you's" flowed. 

What humbles me about this whole experience, is that God honored my desire to feel thankful even when I couldn't bring myself to say the words I knew He deserved. And He knows I miles to go and volumes to learn about priorities, and gratitude and how to catch resentment before it can gain a toehold.

So what will I do the next time I find myself stuck in resentment?

I don't know.

But I do know this: I can ask God to help me in the countless areas where I fall so short of His glory and I can be certain He will meet me there in the depths to pull me out.

Five Minute Friday


Marissa D said...

Love you honesty - and I'm sure you know you are not alone, because you aren't! There are times we have to act and allow the feelings to flow from our actions. And yes I know that sometimes feels wrong, but I'm learning that some of my feelings are the problems and my knowledge must override it. So glad you shared more than 5 minutes!


Jenn said...

I love this, Andrea, because it's so real. It's honestly how we feel sometimes. I am also glad you didn't stop at five minutes. Your last statement is one of hope and encouragement for all of us!