Monday, January 30, 2012

when things are broken and ugly

I realized something about blogging's hard to do so when things don't feel very pretty. That is, it's not easy to write about things that really matter...the matters of the heart. It's no problem to post about fun ideas, endeavors in the kitchen or happy photos - the "Fine" responses to the question, "How are you doing?"

But to post when you feel overwhelmed, uncertain, and the uncleanness of your heart seems to spill out unbidden? Not such an easy thing to accomplish.

For the past few days, however, this post has been writing itself in my mind and I'm sharing the unprettiness because maybe it will encourage another. God's way of turning the ugly into the beautiful.

So often these past few months, in the times when the chaos and intensity of raising children is at fever pitch I feel like I want to take a good long vacation, to run away, to leave what robs me of feeling like "me." This usually happens when I am at a loss as to how to deal with our children's disobedience and when I feel like yelling is one of the few and unfortunately effective ways of getting them to listen. I maybe understand why women leave their children. It's not a pretty thought.

And no question if they were in peril, I would be on my knees begging God for deliverance and if something worse happened to them, my heart would break and these unlovely thoughts be a torment in my grief. And there is no question I do not want this thought to persist or stay because even in our disobedience God still loves us.

I've often asked Him these past few months how He has the ability to be so patient with us, His children born of His love. How He can love what hates Him or worships worthless, dead idols over His living glory. Sure He sent a flood at one time to wipe out all but eight people on this planet because of their sinful ways, but then He promised never to do it again. Even though, in a very short time, they were right back at it. And so are we.

Yesterday, though, He whispered something to me and it's really the something I desire to share, but His Words mean so much more when you understand where I've been in my flesh these past few months...

I stayed home from church with Reese and Ben due to some mild sickness. Reese was playing with Lego in his room and I decided to join him, giving him quality time with me - his love language. If you have boys of Lego- age you most likely will identify with this next part, and if you are from an all-girl world as I once was, this will be a fascinating insight into boy-world..

For some reason, the boys LOVE to take apart their Lego guys...heads, arms, legs, hands. When my sisters and I played with Lego this thought never entered our minds. We occasionally mixed things up, but we always kept body parts in tact.

So I had it in mind, as I was playing with Reese that we would go on a rescue mission and put all the Lego men back together as best we could (some body parts having been lost to the vacuum cleaner).

It's always distressed me to see these Lego men in pieces and I as put them back together I realized how much I enjoyed putting broken people back together.

And that's when God whispered, "So do I."

Oh, how good it did me to hear His voice softly reminding me that though I am broken, He enjoys the process of piecing me back together and perhaps this is the secret of His patience...knowing these shattered pieces of our souls take time to be made whole. But He who is out of time has all the time in the world to work it out. And for that I praise Him. And on that I hang my hope.

To God be the glory! Amen.

The gifts:

  • He can fix me
  • His I might have more
  • restoring Lego men to wholeness
  • time spent with Reese
  • hearing "Step by Step" on the radio...and God ordering mine

Sharing with (SDG on Tuesday):


Tara said...

Love this! (me too)

path of treasure said...

What a beautiful post! Honestly I think most moms know this feeling and have been here, too-- I know I have-- thank you for sharing so candidly. I have 2 boys who play wiht Legos, and I love the message God spoke to you through the Lego pieces. Thankfully He is much more patient than we!

Jen Ferguson said...

This is incredibly beautiful. Oh, I know those days of hard. There are days I wonder how? And what if? I love how God revealed Himself to you. How He gave you the message wrapped up in playtime with your son, you intentional love time with your son. A gift.

Florence said...

What an absolutely beautiful post, I can't really explain but I will try but first I'll just say thank you.

I'm glad that you did share your thoughts and burdens and I hope that by writing about them and releasing them that you felt a lot more better.

God has also been dealing with some things in my heart too, these things left me so raw and exposed, I felt vunerable like all I wanted to do was go somewhere hide and lick up my wounds, but God said 'No'.

even though this was last week, the emotions are still fresh enough, but from this vantage point I know that God healed something in me during that time, that He was slowly putting the pieces back together again. I recently wrote this post and hope that it will also bless you like yours has blessed me.

Courtney said...

Oh Andrea, sending you a hug. Boys can be so challenging, and my oldest is only 5. So much to look forward to . . . the Lego analogy hits home. Thank you for sharing it.