Not exactly. :) But even better was the gift God chose to give me through this request...at heart at peace so I was not bothered by the arguingyellingcrying that I guess comes with the territory of having children. And is there anything better than a gift of being at peace in a storm?
And His second gift to me came in yesterday's sermon at church...
Lately, and especially when the arguingyellingcryingdisobeying wave crashes, I find it hard to feel very loving toward my children. Much of the time I just want to leave. Or hide under the covers. Or shut myself in the one sanctuary in our home with a lock...the bathroom. I'm thinking of posting a sign on the door that says "prayer closet."
And when I feel this way, I think in my head that I'm a horrible mother and I wonder if I really do love my children and what is love, really?
I think I got the answer yesterday.
Our rector (horrible title for a priest, but that's just what they're called where we go), tried to get us to understand what Jesus meant when he used the word "love," in John 15:9-17. He said the English language has no equivalent word for agape; the closest we can get might be "sacrificial regard." :) Not exactly the same thing as the romantic, make-my-heart-quicken, overwhelming warm, tender feelings I usually equate with love.
The part that really resonated with me, was when he said agape love starts where the warm, fuzzy feelings end.
Now that kind of love I do understand.
And perhaps that's what real mother-love is all about...hanging in there when every fiber screams for flight. Being willing to fight through the messiness and hanging in there to hold out for holiness.
This I get.
And if any of the warm heart flutters stick around? Well, I guess that's just a bonus.