Not exactly. :) But even better was the gift God chose to give me through this request...at heart at peace so I was not bothered by the arguingyellingcrying that I guess comes with the territory of having children. And is there anything better than a gift of being at peace in a storm?
And His second gift to me came in yesterday's sermon at church...
Lately, and especially when the arguingyellingcryingdisobeying wave crashes, I find it hard to feel very loving toward my children. Much of the time I just want to leave. Or hide under the covers. Or shut myself in the one sanctuary in our home with a lock...the bathroom. I'm thinking of posting a sign on the door that says "prayer closet."
And when I feel this way, I think in my head that I'm a horrible mother and I wonder if I really do love my children and what is love, really?
I think I got the answer yesterday.
Our rector (horrible title for a priest, but that's just what they're called where we go), tried to get us to understand what Jesus meant when he used the word "love," in John 15:9-17. He said the English language has no equivalent word for agape; the closest we can get might be "sacrificial regard." :) Not exactly the same thing as the romantic, make-my-heart-quicken, overwhelming warm, tender feelings I usually equate with love.
The part that really resonated with me, was when he said agape love starts where the warm, fuzzy feelings end.
Oh.
Now that kind of love I do understand.
And perhaps that's what real mother-love is all about...hanging in there when every fiber screams for flight. Being willing to fight through the messiness and hanging in there to hold out for holiness.
This I get.
And if any of the warm heart flutters stick around? Well, I guess that's just a bonus.
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9 comments:
i like what your rector said - agape love starts when the warm fuzzies end....so true. taking a moment to pray for you.
I think you are right, motherhood is about staying around when you want to escape. Being led by what you know to be true in your heart, not your emotions. And my husband is a rector too, and I agree, never have liked that title. So nice to meet you over at Graceful. Not sure how I have missed meeting you before now.
A phrase from 1 Corinthians 13:5 always stares at me like a plumb line: "Love is not easily provoked"
you know, and sometimes i think agape love is the kind of love that you do and don't realize that we're doing it until later. every milk pool we clean up instead of losing our mind. tear we kiss away when instead we want to cry ourselves. that is agape love. we mama's don't always recognize this. we just see and judge ourselves for the WANTING to run away, not on the fact that we don't.
So, I know I like you because you made a joke about the word "rector". Oh, yeah.
I vote Grace for the Good Girl because Emily is doing a book club on that as well and then you could tie it into hers too. Oh, plus for selfish reasons, I haven't read it. Ha!
Well you know I've experienced some of these yelling waves crashing lately, too! I love how you want to hang a sign on your bathroom door that reads "prayer closet." That made me laugh.
But seriously, your minister's definition of agape love - beginning where the warm fuzzies end - that makes a lot of sense to me.
I love that explanation of agape love. Beautiful.
Don't you love it when God prepares a sermon just for you? And then the same words bless the ones next to you,those in the back, in the front...too? What a blessing to have a Rector who listens to the voice of God.
That is a love mothers can relate to! Doing that for people outside our immediate family...that's when it get really hard. I am thankful that I have Christ in me to help me with that.
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