Wednesday, October 3, 2012
day 3: when the Surgeon fixes your heart
Today it's my birthday. Up until yesterday, it was a day I met with anticipation and dread in the same breath. And here's how I felt about it..
My birthday is a day I try to enjoy. Often I end up feeling deflated. I can't remember when I stopped expecting to enjoy the day which marks my birth, but that's the way it is with balloons. You don't see the pin holes until enough air leaks out to change your soul shape from swelled full to a squishy shadow of your former self.
I first saw the pinholes five years ago when someone pointed out I had a hard time celebrating myself. Perhaps it's because I have a hard time believing God actually loves me as I am and therefore I'm not worth celebrating. I can believe He loves me when I'm doing the "right" thing, when I feel like I'm pleasing Him with my thoughts and actions. But what happens when I'm full of pride? And fight against dying to self tooth and nail? And snap with impatience? And want to run away from the responsibilities pressed upon me? That's when it's hard to believe God loves me.
I wrote that above part a few days ago in preparation of this 31 day writing fest and freeing up time to attend to family given my dad's heart surgery.
But when you see the Surgeon at work in the heart of your earthly father and in your own, all else falls away. When you know the Surgeon has performed the heart surgery you prayed for, doubt is cast aside. And so that you may see His fingerprints and so that I might remember...
Monday: all day through the surgery we felt peace and we rested in it
Monday evening: Dad was out of surgery and in recovery. Seeing him agitated, in discomfort and hooked up to so many machines was hard. I wanted to rip away the machines and the pain and the need for this sanitized, cold environment and cry out that this. is. not. life. I slept fitfully, praying for an ease in pain, for the breathing tube to be removed, for it not to end this way.
early Tuesday morning: Mom called - the breathing tube was removed within an hour of my leaving Monday night and that Dad could talk and had quickly requested she rub his feet (we are a family who enjoys a good massage - especially the neck, hands and feet!). Later I spoke with Lauren and she said Dad was quite chatty and opening sharing his emotions. In my life, this has never happened - a flowing, easy conversation with my father where we share our hearts. And my heart leaped and suddenly, the only place I wanted to be was by his side witnessing this miracle.
Tuesday: The real heart surgery is complete. The one on Monday, on my dad, that was just superficial (though it is no less than a miracle in itself). The real heart surgery happened in Monday's waning hours and bloomed fully on this day. And I am free. I know my dad loves me. I no longer doubt my Father loves me.
(View all the 31 Days of Deep Love Diving posts here )
The challenge: Learn what it means to love God with your whole heart.
This week I want to learn what it means to love God with my whole heart. Today I'm thinking on, praying about and meditating upon what this means. I'm also asking Him to show me any areas where my heart is divided.
The challenge: Love yourself to love others better.
If I take God up on loving others as myself, then I want to be sure I am loving myself in the same way God loves me. Otherwise, I'm not so sure "others" will feel loved at all. So today, I'm going to ask God how I can love myself fully so I can love others with the fullness of the love He's given me.
*Images for the Deep Love Diving banners and buttons were courtesy of this site.