Monday, January 14, 2013

God? we need to talk

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged...
 - God @ Joshua 1:9

Commanded me? I am commanded to be strong, courageous, unafraid and encouraged?

Lord, that's a strong word to use - commanded. It kind of sounds like You're serious. Like I would be disobeying you to give into my weak, cowardly, terrified, flat out discouraged self.

You see You have us on this journey that seems really exciting - Dave finally girding his loins with laptop, books, pen and paper, ready to begin the adventure of obtaining his Master's degree in child psychology - but there's also the minor detail of Who's Going to Pay for It. I mean I know You will because You're Jehovah Jireh and our Father and all greenbacks belong to You anyway. But exactly how all this is going to shake out leaving me quaking inside when I think about it.

Which is probably why You tell me not to do that either.

But it would be so much easier to obey You in the strong-courageous-unafraid-encouraged command if I could see little further down the road...You know, like to the end of it.

What's that? I am more blessed if I do not see and yet believe. And that's the point of faith? Good point. I often ask You for greater faith...

Yet I feel like Jacob today, Lord, wrestling with You for a blessing. For some confirmation that everything is going to work out okay (and by okay I mean, by not ending up destitute and on the street at the end of this whole adventure). I think that's what I'm scared of...suffocating under a heaping pile of debt.

 (Is being scared okay? It doesn't sound quite out fearful like being "terrified." More like imaginary monsters in the closet than world coming to an end. So would feeling scared be okay with You? It wouldn't? Because it's the same thing as being afraid and I'm told not to be that either? Sigh. This whole Christ-following this is tough!).

So why do I want to let those scaredy cat emotions out of the bag? Do I think You'll suddenly change Your mind about Dave going back to school now and somehow being more blessed by that than plunging forward? Do I hope that You'll take pity on us and show exactly how all the t's will be crossed and i's dotted so we don't have to worry about the future? Do I really believe that doing this scared is better than confidently walking it out, certain that You'll be there to catch us when we stumble and thankfully this isn't eternity and any discomfort we suffer is only temporary?

Did You hear that teeny tiny part of me squeak out a "yes" to those questions?

Please ignore it.

God, I'd much rather have more of You and learn what it means to walk with You by faith than taking the easy way out. I want this path we're on to be one that brings You glory and I've heard that You get the greatest glory from the places where we are weakest in ourselves. Most of all, I want to know what it's like to obey Your commands -  to live as one strong, courageous, unafraid and encouraged. I see enough of living the other way in myself and in the world around me. I think it's time for a change. Will You help me?



Kendal Privette said...

we have a lot of wrestling going on at our house right now because both boys are on their school team, but this wrestling with god out of fear? and wondering, wondering, wondering? i know it all too well. this prayer? raw, genuine. love.

Amy Sullivan said...

Hey girl,
Saw your prayer request through Jen...thinking of you, and thought you should know!