The deep breaths which I began to take Wednesday inflate my soul still. A weight lifted from my chest - one I didn't realize pressed down on me. The joy in the intentional, the slowing down, the peaceful quiet. The joy in unexpected answers to prayers.
Yet, the guilt creeps in. It started with the "I'm not going back to school," assessment of the day from Reese when I when I picked up him and Brianna. (Brianna, on the other hand, emphatically stated she was going back and that was final ;) ). It's not surprising really given this was his first foray into a school system and his like-me tendencies to be shy and hesitant to approach others. He's also had 6.5 years of large bouts of freedom during the day to do where his boy-heart leads.
The two remaining days of the short school week met with the same comment and yesterday he said he cried when no one was looking because he wanted to go home. And my heart breaks (and aches) for him.
Logically speaking, three days is not enough time for him or I to assess if this is going to work. I know we need to give it time and trust God that this is where they need to be because He made it so clear that continuing with homeschooling would be the breaking of me.
But the guilt remains and I question why I couldn't find joy in the craziness of homeschooling, in the intensity that comes with siblings who are around each other frequently and why it seems to make more sense to have a perfect stranger pouring things into my children's heads instead of me taking on that role.
Which is why these murky images make sense now and why God has promised to walk through this with me. He knows what is on the other side and I have to trust Him and cling to faith and Hebrews 11:1 starts to be lived out in the flesh.
And I am grateful He is having me read this book and learn the discipline of thanks in the discomfort, the questioning, the guilt and the pain of not knowing how it will all turn out.
So I will thank Him for:
- a new routine set apart from me
- learning to trust when I do not know
- answered prayer - promise of near-daily walks to school
- Brianna's joy at being back at the school
- the lessons we will learn in this new season
- slowing down time
- hours spent with Luke and Ben
And the photos of the week:
|using a garbage can to mold a snowman's body|
|snow almost gone, joyfully swinging|